Because I am bored I shall make a list of my post-vaction blues symptoms:
1. I came back to work to everyone complaining that "people" take too much time off, leaving other to struggle to find shifts. I refuse to feel guilty about my vacation, as it was needed and because that when I was only taking 10 days off, they sceduled me one shift over the four day period I was scheduled to be back, so I gave that shift to Lis, who needed the moolah and was able to take and extra four days off to see my brother in Seattle. The bad feeling were directed at me, when its our temp. girl who is always taking weekends off. Anywho, I'm back to work like a slave so they can shut their faces.
2. I'm feeling very out of touch with friends. I know they're all still here, but it's hard to stay in touch over the summer. Conflicting schedule and vacation and such.... I need to see all my little friends and buddies. Maybe I'll throw a soiree??? The would be a nice cure..... hmmmm
3. There is not a singe goddamn male prospect on the horizon AND I don't even feel like going out to get one. And DEAR LORD am I tired of people telling me not to want a guy that if you stop wanting you get it. That's bull shit and we all know it..... there is absolutely NO rhym or reason to men. I also have this idea stuck in my head that I need to have sex with Jeremy, as if it would some how cure me. I think I'm just really horny.... looking at eye candy lately leaves me wanting for anything and everything. I know I'm crazy, and I'm sure you all think I'm crazy..... I think it's desperation and/or bordem..... bordem mostly. And that its been just shy of a year and I'm afraid things will forget how to work. Silly me..... I know.
4. It's freakin HOT. That makes me all lethargic and crabby.
5. I'm reduced to make list on my blog to express myself.
6. There is just nothing exciting to look forward to.... unless you count school, which I don't. I don't even want to begin to think about my senior year and graduation and entering into the "real world". I can fix this... I need to schedule things to look forward to. I got The Format's ne album today and I LOVE it. They're coming to denver in August.
Ok I think I'm done bitching..... here are some lyrics
Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
Sometimes
It's hard to know where I stand
It's hard to know where I am
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand
But sometimes
I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time
Where love is just a lyric in a children rhyme, a soundbite
Is it any wonder that I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
oh, these days
After all the you misery made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed
Nothing left inside this old cathedral
Just the sad lonely spires
Adding you make it right
-Keane
The topic is Jeremy. I was thinking about the last time I had arms wrapped around me, the last time I passionately kissed some one, the last time I had sex. I can vaguely remember these things, but not the way I remember that night nearly four years ago. I realized I remember that night so clearly, every, touch, taste, smell, sight and sound. I remember the feel of his hip bones pressing against me and the feel of the cold medal of the tractor we leaned against when he told me I was the girl for him, but that it wouldn't work out. I remember the feel of his lips against mine as we kissed one last time, the slight aftertaste of the beer we had been drinking. I remember how crisp and bright the stars were in the sky. I remember the smell of the alfalfa in the field behind us. I even remember the smell off fabric softener in the sweatshirt he lent me becuase even though the summer was hot, the evening was chilly. I remember the sounds of highway 66 rushing nearby and the sound of my friend talking and laughing. I remember that I thought they must think we were carelessly making out, and that things would be fine, but it wouldn't be the truth. What i remember most is the wide range of emotions I felt that night (in chronicalogical order): relief, excitement, elation, emmense comfort and safety, confidence, dissbelief, panic, frantic hopelessness, and especially, I felt so confused.... How could I be the right girl, him the right boy, and it couldn't "be".
Of course, after these years, I have tried desperately to move on and have suceeded for the most part. His obvious carelessness with our now friendship over the years has only helped me move on. His recent let down has infuriated me.
But I'm stuck, I know it will never work out, but why why why do I remember that night in such precise detail. I know it may be because I choose to remember it, but I can't help but think its more than that. I may have fallen in love once or twice since then, but I can't remember how it felt to care about any of the people since him. I remember how much I cared about him and even why. I remember all five senses vividly. I hate it and can't live with it all at the same time.
Now to move on and lighten up a bit.
Ever since my women and anthropology class in which we read this "educated in romance" book, I think about how we learn and are effected by the culture of romance. I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and Roswell on DVD, marathon style, and I have realized that the plot line of these, and many other modern (and I'm sure past) dramas, revolves around the couple that the audience know should be together, within moments during the very first episode.The guy and the girl should be together, but its never that easy, there's ALWAYS something in the way: some reason they can't or shouldn't be together, just not yet at least. Not only does this plot line lock the viewer in and make the show money, but this common plot line is teaching hopeless, helpless people everywhere to want the unattainable, even if it seems impossible, especially if there is a momentary connection. We are all so gullible, we watch the shows, the people make their money, and we, well we are fucked. We're eating it up, believing there's a chance, ruining our lives in the process, missing the truth, over and over again. It's cruel if you think about the way we are trained to break our own hearts.
Some might be hopefull, that if you can dream such passion and romance, it must be true or possible. I tried believing that myself. What happens when you do this???? You end up with a memory of a magical night and you can't forget a single sensation. It feels like bliss, but what I am learning, is that bliss is just torture in disguise, and what a beautiful disguise it is.... what a well crafted mask. Behind it though, is endless evil, and who do we have to blame but ourselves for falling for it.
Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed,
take notice, take interest, take me with you.
But all our fears fall on deaf ears.
Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,
while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I'm dying to live.
-Dashboard Confessional
It's hard to find words for how I feel. Maybe I feel stalled, impatient, discouraged.
This summer has been so fun so far. I love summertime for the possibility of infinite adventure, and I've been taking anvantage of it. Spending time with good friends, drinking a whole lot more than I ever have. I've been doing the whole bar scene thing and I have mixed feelings about it. I know I will not find what I'm looking for at the bars, and when I don't I feel like I wasted my time and money, and I'm a zombie the next day. It hasn't really seemed worthwhile, so I'm going to go less often and continue to try the online dating thing. Though I'm losing steam on that too. The endless dissapointment is really becoming harder and harder to stomach and bitterness pulses through me. I don't like to feel bitter and resentful, and I especially hate feeling jealous. None of these emotions are productive, but all of them are hard to push away. After all of the failed relationships and missed opportunities, my heart is becoming really tired and weary. If something did come along, I'm not sure my heart could shake this bitterness.
How do I always get to this place? This place where I feel stuck. I just need a little hope, just a spark of compassion from someone. I know I'm responsible for myself, but everyonce in a while, I'd love to be the girl that people reach out to, the girl who gets some attention at the bar, the girl who gets asked out on dates, the girl who seems endlessly happy and worry free.
I guess I have to eventually accept a certain amount of hopelessness in myself, that I may never get there, that I may never be the apple of anyone's eye, that I somehow brought it all on myself and that I have to accept that too.
Below are two blogs posted on myspace by Brittney
Part one
dangerous cocktail...
The title might be a little misleading and for all you boozers out there I apoligize. At any rate, I finally am free of the stressful kate t. zone. I would like to blog about this for the last time ever in life. I will try to keep it down in length but I must admit that might be quite the challenge. (I'm sure if anyone wanted more details on the kind of place this house is you can ask miss Kristi...as she escaped at the end of the school year).
First, I dont know who in their right mind would ever give a house to a 20 year old but it happens apparently. I think this a point that deserves a bit of scrutiny. Now, say a family has a responsible, put together, well adjusted kid maybe then I can see that it would be a great idea. Saddly that is not the case here. Whether her parents know or not their daughter is not the most settled person in the world. By settled I mean secure in who she is in all aspects.
When I first really started hanging out with Kate she was dating a guy. She seemed reasonably happy with the common stressors of college life. Well, this did not last very long. ONce the two of them borke up the "i want someone to hold at night" kind of crap came flying out of her mouth. This dependence on men only got worse as time passed and she had no one to call her own (if we should ever use such vocabulary when refering to people). It got worse when her friends left the country to study abroad leaving her with her Regis peers, none of which she has built any real relationships with as far as I can tell.
The year started and she and Krisit were living together and not living together very well for a good amount of the time they were in the same space. Kate continually stressed about renting the basement from the first day. Almost a year later, I find myself renting the space that no one would even consider. Before I got there the shower and toilet were in disrepair and she knew it. Was it fixed? No. I moved in in Feb. and the shower wasn't fixed until spring break. The toilet, after having spewed shit all over the place was finally replaced a week ago tomorrow. These two things in and of themselves are enough to want to make anyone move out.
Remember the lonely factor? Kate continually bugged me to hang out with her. A note, I am a loner when I am at home. Despite public appearances I love to be alone after I have spent a long day surrounded by people. Unfortunately, I was not sure how to kindly decline the invites to dinner without hurting her feelings. Being that damn clingly turns everyone off...and it is worse when it is your landlord. Eventually she got the hint and stopped asking.
Next, came all the comments about people hanging around the house. "All of a sudden there are people in my living room when just last week no one was here." WTF? We livie here and happened to all be home...except for you. That kind of comment makes people uncomfortable. I shouldn't have to be home when you want me to be. I shouldnt have to be around to hang out with you if I dont want to. Truth be told, hanging out with her always turned into a conversation about sex, how a couple of guys she suddenly was infatuated with turned out to be gay (an offensive comment), and how she should just be a lesbian (an even more offensive comment).
I have class...I suppose I will pick up in a couple hours.
Part 2
All that said, I did not know how to live in the house without getting caught up in her own crap. She would randomly go off on me and then later apologize saying she had a bad day at work, a really bad night out, etc. News Flash! I am not your dumping ground. Just because you cant seem to date some guy without throwing sex in his face to keep him interested or becasue you feel lonely all of a sudden does not mean I have to pay the price. You had a bad day well that sucks but the fact still remains that you have a job to do when you get home. If I tell you my toilet is broken you have to fix it regardless of what happend that day...and do it with a freakin smile. That is simply the nature of the job. A landlord cant make someone feel bad for asking for a functional apartment.
At any rate. I had the last straw when she called yelling and screaming about my little sister watching television in the upstairs living room while the rest of my family (21 year old brother and dad included were downstairs). It was graduation weekend and she didnt have enough consideration to let her petty shit go until they left. After that moment I started planning my departure from the cave and Kate's drama.
It all ended yesterday with an argument and a question. She asked if I wanted to leave and to her surprise I told her I would gladly do so. I had been packing up my room for the last two weeks so this was no big deal for me. I slimmed down the crap that own for the move to NC, I found a place to store it, and even a person to buy my bed all within an hour.
What is the lesson here? NEVER live with a person that is under the age of 30 who happens to also own the place you are renting. Chances are they are not mature enough to handle the stress. In this case, she is not mature enough to handle the stress of life in general...tacking on a house was a bad call on her parents' part.
With that...my regis days are numbered and boy am I excited. I will shortly be reunited with my loving girlfriend and begin my post undergrad life.
I hope all is well in cyberland. Back to chemistry
Kristi's Response (my past room mate)
you really have a way with capturing the horrible-ness that was living with Kate. I'm glad you too are now free! I miss you Brittney bear. I don't know why it's so hard to call you. I think I don't want to but really need to talk about Ghana stuff and I feel like you're the only person who can understand.
I'm so excited for you to be moving into this next phase in your life. I just hope you don't completely vanish from my life. hearts to you ms. Brittney!
Here's where my blog begins:
I'm hurt. Very hurt. Trying so hard not to care what other think of me. Inescapable. Unforgivable. False information relayed in confidence twisted and used against me to portray me as some sort of slut. More later...
